Slowly

Sales trips have taught me to pay attention to the silences. Far away from home, from the distraction of comfort and context, you can hear the rattle of all of the loose pieces inside of you. Everything that is not settled, trying to fit into the puzzle that you cannot help but put together.

Today, I have caught myself stuffing the silences with frenetic activity so I don't have to hear how empty I am between bouts of anxiety. I'm not always like this. I know you know this, but today I need to say it so I remember. I need to remember so I can hear the sound of grace fill the gaps inside of me, to make the quiet less intimidating.

It takes heroic amounts of effort to ignore internal unrest once you are in a strange city with no friends nearby, when you are your only context. Sure, there are computers and phones to connect you, but it is just a layer you apply to make the silence less abrasive. Distractions just tint the silence a different shade.

This year, I have been longing for roots. I cannot help but see the reflection of this desire staring back at me in each of the places I visit. I hear it echo back out of the quiet moments. I'm here to build relationships with strangers. A very precious handful might survive this job, but none of them feel anything like roots at home. They lack the weight depth. This is not what I want, but what I want takes time. It grows slowly. I grow slowly. And right now, the silence lets me hear and feel that slowness.

XOXO from Denver, CO